Drawn to Scripture: Encountering Love in the Midst of Distress
One evening at the end of summer my soul was distressed, in a deep state of loneliness. As I walked on the sidewalk next to a five-lane roadway I heard God’s Spirit speak over the roar of traffic - I love you, I love you. But that wasn’t all. In the midst of experiencing God’s arms of love around me, I heard a call to soak in this love. To allow my mind to be transformed through hearing God’s love letter, his Word. He was inviting me to drench myself in scripture. When my response was “I don’t have time for this” he clearly responded by saying, “This is the only thing you have time for.”
A week later, on a Tuesday morning, I woke determined to start this practice. I wasn’t that willing, but the commitment I had made won out over the voices in my head telling me to keep sleeping. I opened my Bible to Genesis 1 and my computer to BibleGateway so I could listen to the words while my eyes scanned along. I underlined words and phrases that pointed to God’s love. The restlessness in my soul was so great that I needed to occupy as many senses as possible.
As I began, my mind continued to ruminate on all the ways I am not lovable. My natural tendency is to fight and to strategize my way out of such thoughts. I needed to prove myself before God and others. That I was worthy of love. My rational mind had gotten me out of messes before, so I reasoned it would help me once again. Moreover, by using that part of my mind I didn’t have to admit I was in pain, that I was vulnerable. I could be the one in charge. However, reality broke in. No matter how hard I tried, I could not change these thoughts. So, recognizing that my usual ways of managing life were not working, I kept returning to the Bible every morning.
Slowly, this consistent practice of spending 1-3 hours every day in a book of scripture moved me from a mind to a heart focus - and it wasn’t something I made happen except for the fact that I kept showing up. Set the alarm for 5:30am. Struggled out of bed in the dark, prepared a cup of hot tea. Then sitting on a couch with a blanket around me and a cat next to me I moved through the Bible, book by book, praying that God would rewire my thinking at least a bit. I held onto the promises that God’s word never returns void. I was both cynical and hopeful. In either case, God showed up.
What did I find?
God revealed his love in creation through playful and abundant creativity in making and filling the earth. He called his creation, and especially his image bearers, very good. In spite of this lavish love, people started turning away. Even so, God continued to invite people to walk with him. Often it was one representative - Noah, Abraham, Joseph. One person was drawn to this love and walking with God.
From these initial stories, a people eventually came together. A people that God committed to love. Israel. God was with them in famine and plenty, in slavery and freedom. Because of love God came to bring His people out of slavery through Moses.
Once these first stories were wrapped up in Exodus, I thought Leviticus would be void of God’s love. A mere list of rules. But love came through the laws that bound people to a loving God and that opened up care for the other. At the end God revealed an image of the abundance that is possible when we live in his love. Even in the unending lists of names in Numbers, God showed his love of unique individuals.
Through each book, each chapter I slowly came to see more clearly that God’s love is not stingy. It may be jealous for God desperately longs to be the first love of his people, but when they turn to him, his love knows no bounds. Think of Ruth, of David, of the prophets. Maybe God doesn’t always come with blessings of material wealth, but He comes with himself.
In the midst of looking for evidence of love, I did not skip over the violence. The bloodshed. The rape. It is all there. Humans are shown behaving quite badly. And, seemingly, God as well as he allowed and maybe even precipitated the bloodshed and death. Even so, God’s cry of steadfast love continued through all the pages, underneath the battles, and within the brokenness.
Cries of love in the history.
Cries of love in the poetry of praise and lament.
Cries to return to love through the prophets.
Then I encountered the ultimate love as God comes to earth as a human. I had expected to be wrapped in even more images of love as I started reading Matthew. However, on this reading of the Gospels I only saw Jesus’ teachings and they seemed harsh to my ears. I saw the people with whom he was interacting and I judged. I felt judged. Something was off. Where was the love that seemed to flow from God in the Old Testament?
So, I went back a second time. This time I noticed how Jesus’ acts and words exuded love and he longed for others to live in this way. This exuberant abundance was criticized by the religious. Yep, that was me. I couldn’t see the love on the first reading because I was and still am in the “religious” group. Like a good economist I want to contain and control scarce resources. I want to speak out against this profligate living - that we need to be careful. Or like a good planner I want to save up all this love. But often these ways are just about hoarding the love for myself. With my limited vision, it’s hard to see how an overflowing love is possible within the bounds of earth. But Jesus showed this type of love as he ate with sinners, as he stopped to listen, as he gave his life. To actually receive and live out of this type of love, what would that look like? Slowly his life was breaking through my limited thinking. Moreover, the letters that Paul and others wrote further unpacked this inexplicable love.
Yes, the Bible is a love story - a vulnerable love story. God relentlessly pursued the people who turned from him, deeply desiring that they come so that he could love them. He shared with them his abundant love and forgiveness, only to have them turn away again and again. Or hoard that love (sound like anyone you know?). These humans were vulnerable: the kings, the sojourners, the wives, the fathers. In this vulnerability, they used so much effort to protect themselves by human means: lying, killing, hiding, building walls, running away from God to other nations.
Still God in this love story continued to show up. In their desperation, he exclaimed there was another way. Don’t look for answers, he said; look for me. Answers give humans something to hold onto so we can leave God behind and have a semblance of control. But these answers and our control always fail. God, on the other hand, will remain.
Reading such large chunks of scripture in a short amount of time was a practice of abundance as I set aside several hours every day just to listen. Eventually I looked forward to it. I enjoyed this well of living water. Maybe I previously took little sips of the Word because otherwise I thought I wouldn’t be able to control the flow of God’s words. Then I would be vulnerable and who knows what would happen? But over and over during the two months of reading, our three-person God - the Father, Jesus, and the Spirit - threw out these self-protections and invited me, God’s beloved daughter, to jump into the river with them. Now, in the midst of this good and raging love, I am expectant for what will happen next.
